New Years Eve

What to write.
Earlier as I drove home I was really depressed.  Crying.  Crying over lost life.
I have no tribe.

Seems weird to try and hang out with the friends from the marriage time.
People who are still married.

I am told one has to go through a period of aloneness.  I guess I am certainly achieving that.

In a way I am my own worst enemy.  I had options to be with people.  could have gone into Southbank or any number of commercial events but just did not feel like it.  no energy.

I am anti social
Making new friends is hard.
Being depressed saps my energy.
Work is a welcome activity.

Some friends have been wonderful.  Ben, Brett, Tim & Ro have all invited me for dinner.  Make me feel human.

But there is just so much of that that they can do.
New years.  A time when everything seems possible.
I wonder if there is a future.
Is there a future growing old with someone.
is there any point if there isn't.

I have learned a few things this past year.
Ghosting - This is where someone suddenly just stops talking to you and you have no way to contact them.  Kind of leaves you empty.  deflated.
So I guess there has been a continuation of rejection in my life.
Found it real hard to look at Facebook & Messenger.  All these messages from the old tribe having fun.  Just couldn't bring myself to respond or post even a generic happy new year.  Just seemed too heavy.  Too hard.  Too much trouble.

Dinner with Chris Dan and some of their friends

SUN 29-12-2019-Chris kindly invited me to dinner at a corinda burger joint. Callan Rhinaa Dan and Jai were there. 

Sat 2 8th

Looked at places to rent. 

These big concrete 5 story places are very poky. The funest bit was meeting the same people over and over and chatting about what they are looking for and how this lines up with what they are seeing. 

A Indian family who really want to be in the Sherwood school catchment. We met in what must have been the smallest apartment I've seen.  Then two gay guys who'd flown in from the UK that morning and were walking in a sleep deprived fog looking for a place where you could actually get their piano in. 

Friday 27 December

Fri 27-12-2019

Woke up around 2 I think.

Feeling down. Alone. Lonely. 

Make poor choices. Incompatible with society. 

Watched some TV. FB, tinder, pof,

Walked to gyatt Pk and the uni. Felt marginally better by the time I got home. 

Showered. 

4:30 Drove up Mt cootha. 

Still feel down.

What should I do for new years?

Stay home alone?

Ask for some charity invite and impose myself on some party.

Buy a ticket to a NYE event some place.

Feel like crying. 

5:30 bought an undrinkable coffee at maccas indooroopilly.

Drove past thallon St. cat not visible. Bought another coffee at Sherwood. Threw out the maccas.

Still feel down. 

Christmas Day

Well it's quite a different Christmas day for me.

Emotionally. 

I suspect the first Christmas day of my life not spent with and 'as' family.

Mind you these thoughts are very small minded selfish introspective. When globally 40 000 (I heard) people per day  are displaced. Here in Oz we torture people by keeping them isolated in off shore detention. 

We have families losing people who are killed fighting the bush fires ravaging the nation. 

First world problems. 

So why do I feel so low. Seems illogical in comparison. 

Loneliness like a heartbeat drives you crazy. 

Sadness. Depression. It saps the energy. I look at my fat gut and know I should exercise but I just can't be bothered. 

I'd thought it would be reasonably easy to find new friends through internet dating but that turns out to be a fail. Confirmation that maybe I'm just not so compatible as I'd hoped. Shit social skills and personality. 

This sort of stuff reminds me of how things 'should' have been. 

My current introspective loneliness is of course a consequence of my own decisions.  A decision to stay 'home' for example. 

I did have an invitation from others for example:

 Derek to go help at Woodford. 

Tim H to go to Narrandera. 

I had thought it would be relatively easy to find new friends through internet dating. You know all those people congregating for a common purpose. Seems not to be. I feel like I'm totally on the nose. With a very poor hit rate.  Even when I do elicit a response, it seems finding a mutually agreeable time to meet is well neigh impossible. 

I saw a post from Bob about midnight carols at Albert St. Normally I enjoy such things. However a combination of a early morning body clock, shit sleep patterns and general depression lack of energy meant I opted to fall asleep on the couch. 

Atm I've got a crisis of faith. Spirituality. Reassessment. To me faith has both a individual component and a corporate aspect. 

On the individual side, I don't really relate to the "personal relationship with jesus" wording that's been popular esp amongst the more charismatic churches. The idea of some supernatural being whispering in my ear isn't of my experience anyway. 

At the corporate end, I'd seen being involved in the church as providing a framework for living. It meant responsibilities and compromises. Care, forgiveness and so on. With the demise of the marriage I guess I feel the framework failed. 

So at both the personal and corporate aspects of faith are being reviewed. 

A new faith paradigm needs to be developed. 

Fireworks Row

"We" the Grammarians plus others rowed down to Southbank to watch the fireworks.  I am assuming someone has OK'd this with the water police and spread the word because there was a reasonable number of boats in attendance.  Most with lights.

My contribution was to buy some lights and put them on our boat.

The crew was
1  Will
2  Lulu
3  Cleggy
4  Paul
5  Jemma
6  Frank
7  Ben Chichero
8  Jon Tannahil
C  Jae
Brad and his daughter were in the Tinnie to keep us safe and take the requisite promotional pics to feed social media.

Photo quality is very ordinary.  Possibly because my phone was in a waterproof case.

Virgin Frequenct Flyer and E-rewards surveys

Got a junk email from Virgin enticing one to sign up to a mob called e-rewards.net where one does surveys in exchange for points. 

Is it worth it one wonders?


So first the virgin points:-
You can buy virgin points:-
https://storefront.points.com/velocity-frequent-flyer/en-AU/buy
The smallest package is 1000 points for $36. =>
ie $0.036/point.


e-rewards:-
e-rewards are offering 850 points as a sign up enticement.  At 3.6c/point this is worth a whopping $30.60.

Now the next thing is e-rewards "pay" you in their own opinion points that have to be converted to virgin points.
1200 opinion points gets you 250 Virgin points.

1 opinion point is worth 250virgin points * 3.6c/virgin point / 1200 opinion points = 0.75c (note $0.0075). 
ie less than 1c/opinion point.

e-rewards tell me a survey that is estimated to take 20 minutes will net me 300 opinion points.
300x$0.0075 = $2.25.
Now 20 minutes is 1/3 of an hour so I am being paid $6.75 / hr.
Hmm

The conclusion is "RIP OFF" and aren't you Virgin just a tad embarrassed to be promoting this sort of thing?

(or is my maths wrong?)

Grafton Regattas

Jemma and i dri

Jemma Solidworks

School challenged Jemma to make a solar powered car. They gave her a small motor and solar panel. Her brother Daniel suggested she come into work, learn solidworks and 3D print.