Today 20 June is the wedding anniversary.
Reflecting on the end- I wonder how much I was hurt by the loss of the institution and how much by the loss of Megan. I had, I thought, a strong attachment to a old fashioned conservative view of life. Being married fitted with that. That all came crashing down. I think I strongly considered that vows were contracts not to be broken.
I spent a lot of time in the latter half of the marriage, wondering what is wrong with me.
It does reinforce in my own mind that we can not see ourselves. I can not see me if that makes sense. I must have been really really rotten / nasty / fucktard / deadbeat /looser ... to hurt Megan to such a degree that she could not stand me.
For me the separation was really painful. There was an initial sense of relief because it was an extremely cold and lonely existence. Then the sense of loss and rejection flowed in. It was like waves on a beach. First they washed over refreshing then they came over like a tidal wave. Drowning.
Time is a healer though and although the painful memories surface at times like this when the date comes round, now days I feel much better. Having a wonderful loving girlfriend has made a huge difference.
Megan is tripping around Europe. I hope she is feeling free.
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