Post Divorce and Friends

on Sunday morning I was driving home with Jemma when I discovered that she and Megan and a group of people who used to be, i thought, my friends went down the coast to the swell sculpture festival.

Mate I was triggered.

Down the rabbit hole. 

You can even feel the reminants of the trigger in that first paragraph. 

I had not been invited.

It reminded me of how much I've lost. 

My whole social structure. 

Family, Church, Friends network. 

I have at times had people say to me how their husband is out of the picture. Said in a way that implies the ex husband has run off and abdicated their fathering duties.  Man I totally get that now. This is just another trigger I don't need. It hurts like hell.  All logic goes out the windrow as one descends into the rabbit hole. 

I am reminded that no one calls me. 

Recently it was RUOK day. A day when we are implored to consider those who are depressed and check in on them.  Well I'm not ok. Basically I'm fucked. Emotionally.  On RUOK day i received two text messages and zero phone calls.

Basically I feel torn. I'm over emotional. I feel and I talk about my feelings. I think that just pushes people away.  Who wants to be around  a depressed old fuck anyway.  It would be nice to just not talk about it. Tuck it away like guys are supposed to do. Like many guys seem to be able to do. 

NO FRIENDS 

I think the first thing i need to keep telling myself is that there are still some who care. 

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-friendships-take-a-di_b_2546249

Points out the obvious 

"2. Divorce is polarizing. Friends tend to side with one partner -- either the ex-husband or ex-wife. Rarely do friends maintain contact with both partners. Thus, you might lose the friends who sided with your ex."

The reality is Megan has maintained those connections.

DAMAGED SPARE WHEEL

I'm basically a damaged spare wheel.  You know the guy who tags along. Bit awkward. And in my case, broken. Actually like the wheel in the pic - fucked. 

WHERE TO

So now I face a challenge of finding a new friendship group. But how to do that? I'm way out of practice. 

There is something about me that seems to make it hard for be to make friends. 

Swell Culture Festival

 Went with Jenny to Swell Culture Festival

Vodafone - Vodafone blockage

At work we have NBN with 4G backup on Vodafone.

On the other side of the NBN modem is a web server

When I type the IP address into Jemma's Optus mobile it can see the web page.

When Ross types it into his Telstra mobile, it can also see the web page.

But my mobile is blocked for some strange reason.

My mobile is on Vodafone.

Feel something in common?

Z20t Looses Mouse

 Recently my laptop has started to loose bluetooth connection to the mouse.

The end of the work land line

 About 10am the internet dropped out.  Ross tells me all three lines are dead and indeed they are.

Our hard lines follow a fairly tortuous route to the outside world.  I went and looked at the equipment rack next door assuming they may have been fiddling but no.  And the MDF is now behind a wall and a removable panel that needs a screwdriver to access.  So I figure no rat has eaten a cable and no human on site has been tinkering.

I attempt to contact Telstra.  This is not as easy as it should be but it was certainly as hard as expected.  Automated virtual assistant first told me they were busy with a 10 minute wait and would call me back.  45 minutes and no call back.  Try again several times and the virtual voice tells me they know about my fault and that others are affected.  The story of my life.  Finally I get onto someone who puts me through to someone and you get the idea.

He diverts the work line to my mobile.  Upon reflection, this was actually the only useful thing anyone achieved.  Then he explains that he can send me a mobile phone and that will take up to 3 days.  Internet - too hard.  

I call Telstra Mt Omany and establish that they have HFC modems with 4G back up in stock.  I cant go in right away.  They tell me I have to have an appintment with the NBN specialist.  2pm.

About quarter to 2 I show up.  The kind man at the door greets me and finds my name on his tablet and calls out to one of the staff who comes over and takes me in.  I guess they are all NBN specialists.  I am wondering why I could not have just rocked on up earlier.  The kid lady confirms they have modems but wait for it.... they system has been down all day and they can;t provision it.  wtf.

I walk a few stores up and sign up with vodafone.

 

 

 

 

Dan 3D printing

Dan is doing 3D printing.

He's set up a camera so he can keep an eye on it over night on his phone. Part 2 of the video shows solidworks on the left screen, then the middle screen shows the slicer and the right screen is from the monitoring camera.

cant add the video to blogger

 

 

Nothing changes

So I'm feeling pretty crap. 

AGAIN!!!

Friday -My original plan was go rowing. 

Have 2 meetings

8:30-9:00

And

9:30-10:30

Come home

Go driving with Jemma. 

I arrive at work and discover there is an issue with a system we designed. So I'm juggling two meetings and this new issue. 

 I figured I'd get the staff focused.  Then go be with Jemma. 

I drafted a message explaining I'd be delayed until 11 however I later discovered that did not send.  I must not have clicked the send button.

In the end I'm delayed until 12.39 whereupon I discover Jemma has gone with megan to nudgee beach with Lucy. 

No message. 

No phone call. 

Nothing. 

No respect. 

Just go and do whatever she fucking likes without reference to me. 

Just like when we were married. 

Everything I do is fucked.

I try so hard but can never get it right. 

Saturday 7:21

IANFOK

I Am Not Fucking OK.

I get knocked by s@#t like yesterday. 

Should I?

I've no idea. 

What's normal. 

I've still got a headache. 

My neck muscles feel super tight. 

It seems like it's an over reaction. Would a normal person feel shafted. Disrespected? 

Would a normal person just shrug their shoulders and change their plans and go back to work. 

Every fucking time!

I was given some advice:

"Call people that you'd like to connect with. Don't wait for them.

Invite people over for dinner / out to coffee.

Relationships are a two way street. Sometimes you have to drive a long way first."

Let me tell you, down the rabbit hole, it's in-coming calls only. 

It's more that when I'm down the hole it's incoming calls only. 

It's too hard to dial. I feel is who wants some depressed old fuck to impose themselves anyway. 

And those incoming calls, well they don't happen. 

No invitations. Just reinforces the feelings of alone. Unwanted.