4 am fast brain......
Many afternoons as I drive home from work the feeling of alone begins.
Thoughts of what to do for dinner and the evening. Things I have put off thinking about during the day. Sadness creeps in as I drive. Flicking through the radio channels. Pondering the lack of traffic flow as we limp from one red light to another. Symbolic of my life.
After 25 years of marriage - separated.
A girlfriend for a year and then - dumped.
Rejection is a debilitating powerless depressing thing to endure.
Maybe it's just that the feelings of the present are stronger than in the past.
Before marriage I had uni and then work and the optimism of youth. I had several circles of friends. Uni or work friends. Church and sailing club friends. Living in a share house. So there were always people around. Things to do and they were done with people.
But now I'm old. No longer the optimism of youth.
The friends that were a part of my life during the marriage years on the whole are married themselves. They are doing things as families. I feel awkward / different. To quote the song "they're all stayin home... ".
The house is no longer a home. Filled with memories. It is a place to sleep and reheat the occasional microwave dinner but it's not a home. The three kids in Brisbane are living with Megan along with the cat and the dog.
There's just so much introspection that one can fit in an evening.
I have spent too many days and nights pondering what did I do to ruin the marriage. many nights and days spent going over and over and over. I learned with the gf that there are vastly different family dynamics. Behaviours and expectations in one family are seen in a different light in another. Good intentions in one context are divisive and judgemental when seen from another perspective. It's easier to stay in ones corner holding the old familiar and comforting views than it is to risk something unknown. To even consider another view point I had to accept I was wrong. I was right too but very wrong as well. Depending on the view point.
Now the damage done I get back to considering rejection and self value. How to have some thing that I can feel good about. A marker of success. In both cases though I learned why guys do not share their feelings. One overriding message I have learned is do not share feeling with lovers. Say nothing and just let everything flow through to the keeper. When it comes to feelings,find a therapist or have a beer with mates.
Given my track record in relationships has been a double fail plus! - I ponder what to do.
One option is business. How does one measure that. Profit? Turn over, technical innovation, happy staff, quality, happy customer. Challenged staff,
Posted this on Facebook
Life is like a see saw. Easy to be at one extreme hard to be balanced. You can do it on your own sitting or standing. Or you do it with two. You know to balance it you have to adjust positions. When you think it's close to balance, you lift your feet gently and test. Then catch it before it crashes. Wiggle forward or back. Ask the other person to move a bit maybe. Sometimes they are right at the end and only you can move or they are way too close to the middle and if they dont move back to have to move in close which makes it hard as it becomes twitchy. Then you tentatively lift your feet again. Fine adjustments by leaning in and out. Then you get bored and wiggle a bit. Or both try standing up and giggle and laugh as you try to balance. Then it crashes down again.
