5 Stages Of Grief

Apparently there are 5 stages of grief.

1 Denial

2 Anger

3 Barganing

4 Depression 

5 Acceptance

Wikipedia naturally has an entry

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief

the model is considered to be outdated, inaccurate

Kübler-Ross later noted that the stages are not a linear and predictable progression and that she regretted writing them in a way that was misunderstood

Kessler has also proposed "Meaning" as a sixth stage of grief.^[12]

NOW

Ok so I'm clearly at 4 depression but also moving into 2anger.  Although there were times of anger during the marriage. Post divorce, it felt like all depression. As far as the actual divorce bit I think the 1denial phase was pretty short.  

2Anger at the time?- a

As I recall, was limited, even if at all.   In some ways relief was a more immediate feeling.  Pre separation, I do remember feeling trapped in a very lonely existence.

1 Denial

So for 10 years I did not consciosly  recognise how bad my marriage was.   

2 Anger

Although not linear, I feel anger entering the mix. Maybe a way to pull myself out of depression.

Memories of the times when Megan distanced me.  That we did not do creative stuff together. Details to come below. 

Anger that I made a covenant for life and that was broken.

Anger with myself for not taking action myself years earlier when I did feel distanced. 

3 Barganing

Not sure how that fits in. 

4 Depression 

I'm definitely here and was before the end of the marriage and certainly for the last few years

5 Acceptance

So I'm hoping by elucidating the anger, I can get past it.  Move to acceptance and even meaning.  Free myself to love again. I go on dates but I feel nothing.  They are nice people but they don't float my boat.  Maybe at the moment,  my boat is holed and sitting on the bottom in shallow water. The top looks like a boat but deep down I'm fucked. 

6 Meaning

ANGER MEMORIES 

UQ CENTRE

19?? Uniting Church event at the UQ centre. Megan was the organiser. She told me I was not to enter the auditorium during set up. Just to come in with the congregation. I remember from the time feeling like she was talking to me like an unwanted child.

I delivered a big sheet of Plywood to the guys and in the carpark it was cut into a big cross and fitted with fairy lights to represent the southern cross.  I even supplied a mains 12V power supply.  Then we passed it in through the door.  Did not get to carry it in.  So important was it to keep me away.   She worked with her father inside the auditorium where I was not allowed.  This preference for working with her father would continue as would my exclusion. 

UQ EVENT IN CITY HALL

30th aniversery?

Or maybe a synod celebration?

Anyway Megan got the role of coordinator.   I offered to do video.  She said she'd asked the Goughs. I remember feeling deflated. Anyway I ran into them several times in the months leading up to the event and they said that they had received an email from Megan but were not doing the gig.  Each time I'd go back to Megan and offer to do it.  Each time the same story.  So I lived this lie of denial.  Knowing they weren't doing it and Megan telling me she had organised or asked them. Wishing her event to be a success and salvaging some self image, when at the very last minute,  she asked me,  I accepted and pulled together a solution. 

EASTER FEST

We were supposed to be "venue managers" of "the circus".  One year Megan themed it with a "story bridge" backdrop she got from school.  I felt really left out of the creative process.  One year,  After the event I said to her "how about we work on theme ideas together ". Her response: I've already decided to do theme based on recycling.  Huge hearts with Milk bottles. "Oh" I responded once again deflated.  Well how about we work on the practicalities together.  She told me she'd already spoken with her father and was going to visit him to do that. Crushed.

That year I advised  easterfest,  that I would not attend. Someone else could do video. 

Later, not wanting Megan to fail,  I did inject myself into the hearts thing. Megan had come up with a design that was structurally unsound and there was no way anyone was going to allow these huge hearts to fly above an audience. So I added some scaffold tubes and came to Toowoomba to organise them being erected.

Rejection Isolation 

All this in the name of god.

My hope is I can get angry. Get over it and move on.