Christmas Day

Well it's quite a different Christmas day for me.

Emotionally. 

I suspect the first Christmas day of my life not spent with and 'as' family.

Mind you these thoughts are very small minded selfish introspective. When globally 40 000 (I heard) people per day  are displaced. Here in Oz we torture people by keeping them isolated in off shore detention. 

We have families losing people who are killed fighting the bush fires ravaging the nation. 

First world problems. 

So why do I feel so low. Seems illogical in comparison. 

Loneliness like a heartbeat drives you crazy. 

Sadness. Depression. It saps the energy. I look at my fat gut and know I should exercise but I just can't be bothered. 

I'd thought it would be reasonably easy to find new friends through internet dating but that turns out to be a fail. Confirmation that maybe I'm just not so compatible as I'd hoped. Shit social skills and personality. 

This sort of stuff reminds me of how things 'should' have been. 

My current introspective loneliness is of course a consequence of my own decisions.  A decision to stay 'home' for example. 

I did have an invitation from others for example:

 Derek to go help at Woodford. 

Tim H to go to Narrandera. 

I had thought it would be relatively easy to find new friends through internet dating. You know all those people congregating for a common purpose. Seems not to be. I feel like I'm totally on the nose. With a very poor hit rate.  Even when I do elicit a response, it seems finding a mutually agreeable time to meet is well neigh impossible. 

I saw a post from Bob about midnight carols at Albert St. Normally I enjoy such things. However a combination of a early morning body clock, shit sleep patterns and general depression lack of energy meant I opted to fall asleep on the couch. 

Atm I've got a crisis of faith. Spirituality. Reassessment. To me faith has both a individual component and a corporate aspect. 

On the individual side, I don't really relate to the "personal relationship with jesus" wording that's been popular esp amongst the more charismatic churches. The idea of some supernatural being whispering in my ear isn't of my experience anyway. 

At the corporate end, I'd seen being involved in the church as providing a framework for living. It meant responsibilities and compromises. Care, forgiveness and so on. With the demise of the marriage I guess I feel the framework failed. 

So at both the personal and corporate aspects of faith are being reviewed. 

A new faith paradigm needs to be developed.