New Years Eve

What to write.
Earlier as I drove home I was really depressed.  Crying.  Crying over lost life.
I have no tribe.

Seems weird to try and hang out with the friends from the marriage time.
People who are still married.

I am told one has to go through a period of aloneness.  I guess I am certainly achieving that.

In a way I am my own worst enemy.  I had options to be with people.  could have gone into Southbank or any number of commercial events but just did not feel like it.  no energy.

I am anti social
Making new friends is hard.
Being depressed saps my energy.
Work is a welcome activity.

Some friends have been wonderful.  Ben, Brett, Tim & Ro have all invited me for dinner.  Make me feel human.

But there is just so much of that that they can do.
New years.  A time when everything seems possible.
I wonder if there is a future.
Is there a future growing old with someone.
is there any point if there isn't.

I have learned a few things this past year.
Ghosting - This is where someone suddenly just stops talking to you and you have no way to contact them.  Kind of leaves you empty.  deflated.
So I guess there has been a continuation of rejection in my life.
Found it real hard to look at Facebook & Messenger.  All these messages from the old tribe having fun.  Just couldn't bring myself to respond or post even a generic happy new year.  Just seemed too heavy.  Too hard.  Too much trouble.