Still reelin' rejection

Friday Jemma tells me she does not want to stay with me in the holidays because Megan will be home and I will be at work.  She goes onto say she no longer wants to do the week about thing. 

Seems like a soon as I almost get my life stable another thing knocks me down. 

It's Sunday night and I still feel like crap. Rejection Rejection Rejection.  Why bother. 

Monday 30 Nov 4:30am

It's a heavy heart I carry with me. Walking around an empty house.  As I drive to the rowing club the emphasis in my mind is "on my own". I seem to be at odds with society.  Words like "incompatible" come to mind and especially "unlikable".  Why the fuck.... I ask myself.  Why is there no consideration. Certainly no forgiveness. One failing is a continuous failing.  The police have to be right every time the terrorist only has to succeed once.  Well a husband,  one error is held forever against him. Over time he is nothing but a collection of accumulated failures. 

7am

Breakfast on my own at a Cafe. Can't stomach going home to an empty house. Been at Centenary working with Ros on the camp program. 

9:15am I am still feeling light headed and tense in the chest and shoulders.  Tight stomach just thinking about this.  Trying not to think about it but it just keeps bubbling up.  I pay pay pay and get no love back.   Evey moment reminds me of my failings as a human being.  Paying of the house, starting a business that sustains us means I get fuck all cash and still I pay but an empty house reminds me continually that i have lost out.  Contributing to society, being involved with the community.  All means nothing.

Tuesday 1 December 

I've got a mild headache and tummy ache. Mild depression. No energy. No coffee but can't sleep. The stupid thing is that I'm sad about my life but there's stacks of people far worse off than me. Illogical. 

7:30pm

Still got headache. 

Still reminded of the Rejection and loneliness. No one to be here with me. 

Tried watching movies but that does not work so well with a headache ora heartache. Listening to Spotify and just feeling sad. 

Friday 4 December 

4:35am. Been awake for hours.  Feeling down. Low. Cripes it's a lonely existance. 

7:50am at work but feel low too. ruminating over all this.