Can't kick it

I wake in the night thinking how much of a fucktard I was. Maybe I'm just naturally a depressed person. I was lonely and down in the marriage.  I'm regretting the failure of the marriage. I'm lonely now too. I'm reflecting on how I'm a failure because the marriage failed. I wasted years not recognising that no matter what I did. No matter how hard I tried. It was going to end anyway.  Megan seems to continue business as usual. Activities and friends and family. Happy as.  I'm old. Grey. On my own. 

Sunday evening:

Then I'm reminded by FB that as a divorced man, I don't get invited anymore. I need a new tribe.

Fuck this life!

Late Sunday evening:

Megan drops Jemma over. She tells me I was invited. The invite was via WhatsApp. Ahh I've turned WhatsApp notifications off.  I was being deluged with notifications that were showing stuff just as if I was still married. That we were still a family. But we are not. 

So in a way it's my own stupid fault. I've disconnected myself. In order to try and not be triggered but then missing out on things is triggering in its own way 

Super early Monday morning:

Depression is fucked.  Self indulgence?  Anyway it's hard to take a deep breath and shake it. To clear the fog that accompanies it