Emotional shyte

It's a very lonely life at 3am.

I see jemma once or twice a week and that's only associated with school rowing. There's none of that sharing of life that would happen if she were living with me. The connection and chit chat and sharing the day's experience across the table. 

Likewise even though I see Chris and Dan at work and chat to Marcus on the phone,  it's a distant connection. 

I guess the essence of it all is I have no one to share life with. 

And the areas where I had putten in effort - Sherwood church in particular are gone. Megan's taken that too along with my hopes and dreams of a future.  

I know my social skills are sub par. If they were normal then I'd have friends. I think I more have acquaintances. Certainly I miss having someone to share life with. 

My efforts at the rowing club seem at odds with others.  I think the 8 months I was president were a huge emotional drain and although appreciated by some,  the objectors and naysayers got enough air time to drain my energy.  A part of being a democracy gives them the right to put their objections. But it drained me.  Was such a distraction.

 

The difficulty is knowing what to do with my life.  What is the purpose.  The goal I should aim for.  What would be a purpose to aim for.  I think at this time, the only path I can see forward is business.  Making money.  Maybe in time, some other purpose will crystalise.