Christmas is coming...

I'm reminded that my life is a misfire.  This thing called family that I spent 24years and 11 months on.  A thing that to me was super valuable. Gone. The words on the radio, how people want to travel for Christmas to see family.  Serves to remind me that I failed. Lying in bed alone at 3am is a tough thing and every day reminds me of that failure. 

Centenary also a reminder that I'm just not there. I'm not part of the social circle. Mind you there's some pretty toxic people around. By that I mean people who deliberately take action to stymie others.  As distinct from those,  and we have them too, whose actions don't help themselves or others. And it's hard to see ones self and I assume I'm in there somewhere. I hate that I myself are even thinking in this hateful way that I see in the others I mentioned earlier. There are some good people too but I guess in my sadness the bad people tend to get the attention. 

At work,  I'm being eased off the gasbot board.  Another personal loss. I guess from a corporate perspective, the focus shifts from hardware to finance but still it's another personal loss. I have decided not to fight it.  I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. 

I guess in all of this I feel a loss of ownership. 

I think I need to find things where I've a combination of ownership,  value. Where I am wanted by others.  Where what I do is valuable/ useful / of benefit and where I get some reward. Enjoyment. 

Back to the Christmas thing.  Not sure what I'm going to do but right now,  Christmas dinner with the old family just does not seem right.