59 Birthday

Dan and Jemma came for breakfast which was nice. 

I think I've got a bit of this so called 'long covid".  Mild headache all sat & sun.

Still living this mild depression sadness and these milestones like birthdays and Christmas and even Australia day spent without family. Alone.  Plus my in ability to find a new partner just reinforce that there's something wrong with me.  Society has made its judgement.  

26 Jan - Australia Day

Breakfast with Dave, Rob & Metedeth.

BBQ at oxley common.

I did butter milk pancakes with whipped cream, Strawberries, raspberries and most importantly Maple syrup.

Dave had bacon,  Tomatoes  Mushrooms and Meredith brought eggs.

While the guys cooked,  Meredith read some poems including " I love a sunburnt country".   Later she had a quizz.

I decided to go home before going to work.  Got the dish washer going then crashed sort of. Felt bloated - too much breakfast esp sugar.

During the day I went to work. 

Paid school fees $10k.

Paid mowing. $55

Assembled electric scooter.

Some preliminary work on the boat weigher. 

Received a phone call from Paul inviting me over. 

Went over around 5:30.

Picked up icecream and a bottle of red wine.

At Paul & Cybele's, saw Mel & Rachel and Phil & Fiona.

Played a couple of games. 

Dinner was a sasauge and salad. Just hit the mark.  Really refreshing. 

Desert was the ice cream I'd brought.

Dinner with Chris

Sunday

Jemma isn't eating with me.  She's gone to visit a friend.

Turned up at glenrich st and Chris was there. He invited me to dinner. 

That was lovely. 

I drove out to Ripley. 

Dinner was nice but I was drained.  A covid run on I think. 

After dinner I drove home and went to bed. 

Qld State Rowing championships

Fri sat sun.

Jemma got a silver medal in a quad.

No idea how the single went. 

The double with Emma was a half hearted effort at best. 

Friday I had an issue at work that prevented my attendance at wyaralong.

Jema 'stayed' at my place. 

We managed dinner fri night and sat night. 

She went out and visited a friend on Sat after dinner. Sunday she had no races.  She slept in till about 10:30 then went to visit a friend. Then straight to boat loading. Then another friend. Came home way after I'd gone to bed. 

In the morning I left a note asking if maybe she'd like to do something together but she did not respond to it. 

Reinforced that my existence here on earth is pretty pointless.

Wednesday 20 Jan 2022

Wednesday 

2am. It's a lonely existence. 

Friday 21

Alone. 

I don't have anyone. 

I dedicated 25 years. 

The kids are launched into the world. 

Megan rejected me. 

She's still got her parents. 

She's got Jemma most of the time. 

I am alone. 

No one to share life with. 

I'm kind of OK with tech stuff. 

Not much good at negotiating.

The rowing club and I don't really see eye to eye wrt organising, proceduralisation and especially governance where they operate without any care about the constitution. Where individuals and their pet barrows drive operations.

I'm all alone. 

No one for me to care for.  No one to share with.  No one who cares for me. 

No success with internet dating. I don't know why I'm unattractive but combining the evidence of rejection by Megan and then Melissa with the total lack of success with meeting people just confirms there's not much point. 

Meat loaf

https://www.recipetineats.com/meatloaf-recipe/

1/2 kg mince

1 beef stock cube OXO crushed

1 table spoon chopped garlic

Woostershire sauce

Tomatoe sauce

Mixed herbs

Oregano

1 Carrot ground

1 Onion ground

2 sticks Celery ground 

OVEN 180C

Started 4:30

1.5 has

Sat 15 Jan

Walked around the block. 

I live this mental struggle. 

On the one hand, lots of people care for me: 

Son's Chris and Dan. Recently Dan has been super supportive locating a RAT and shopping for food. 

Ben W, 

Tim H & Ian from the Monday night group.

Tim & Ro.

On the other hand, 

Feelings of rejection -

25 years wasted and unappreciated effort and the failure to find a new intimate partner.

Reading more of "the Berlin diaries". Wanted something paper. More mind opening than screens that seem to narrow ones thoughts.