Mate I was triggered.
Down the rabbit hole.
You can even feel the reminants of the trigger in that first paragraph.
I had not been invited.
It reminded me of how much I've lost.
My whole social structure.
Family, Church, Friends network.
I have at times had people say to me how their husband is out of the picture. Said in a way that implies the ex husband has run off and abdicated their fathering duties. Man I totally get that now. This is just another trigger I don't need. It hurts like hell. All logic goes out the windrow as one descends into the rabbit hole.
I am reminded that no one calls me.
Recently it was RUOK day. A day when we are implored to consider those who are depressed and check in on them. Well I'm not ok. Basically I'm fucked. Emotionally. On RUOK day i received two text messages and zero phone calls.
Basically I feel torn. I'm over emotional. I feel and I talk about my feelings. I think that just pushes people away. Who wants to be around a depressed old fuck anyway. It would be nice to just not talk about it. Tuck it away like guys are supposed to do. Like many guys seem to be able to do.
NO FRIENDS
I think the first thing i need to keep telling myself is that there are still some who care.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-friendships-take-a-di_b_2546249
Points out the obvious
"2. Divorce is polarizing. Friends tend to side with one
partner -- either the ex-husband or ex-wife. Rarely do friends maintain
contact with both partners. Thus, you might lose the friends who sided
with your ex."
The reality is Megan has maintained those connections.
DAMAGED SPARE WHEEL
I'm basically a damaged spare wheel. You know the guy who tags along. Bit awkward. And in my case, broken. Actually like the wheel in the pic - fucked.
WHERE TO
So now I face a challenge of finding a new friendship group. But how to do that? I'm way out of practice.
There is something about me that seems to make it hard for be to make friends.
Nasty. Dangerous place rabbit holes.
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