Nothing changes

So I'm feeling pretty crap. 

AGAIN!!!

Friday -My original plan was go rowing. 

Have 2 meetings

8:30-9:00

And

9:30-10:30

Come home

Go driving with Jemma. 

I arrive at work and discover there is an issue with a system we designed. So I'm juggling two meetings and this new issue. 

 I figured I'd get the staff focused.  Then go be with Jemma. 

I drafted a message explaining I'd be delayed until 11 however I later discovered that did not send.  I must not have clicked the send button.

In the end I'm delayed until 12.39 whereupon I discover Jemma has gone with megan to nudgee beach with Lucy. 

No message. 

No phone call. 

Nothing. 

No respect. 

Just go and do whatever she fucking likes without reference to me. 

Just like when we were married. 

Everything I do is fucked.

I try so hard but can never get it right. 

Saturday 7:21

IANFOK

I Am Not Fucking OK.

I get knocked by s@#t like yesterday. 

Should I?

I've no idea. 

What's normal. 

I've still got a headache. 

My neck muscles feel super tight. 

It seems like it's an over reaction. Would a normal person feel shafted. Disrespected? 

Would a normal person just shrug their shoulders and change their plans and go back to work. 

Every fucking time!

I was given some advice:

"Call people that you'd like to connect with. Don't wait for them.

Invite people over for dinner / out to coffee.

Relationships are a two way street. Sometimes you have to drive a long way first."

Let me tell you, down the rabbit hole, it's in-coming calls only. 

It's more that when I'm down the hole it's incoming calls only. 

It's too hard to dial. I feel is who wants some depressed old fuck to impose themselves anyway. 

And those incoming calls, well they don't happen. 

No invitations. Just reinforces the feelings of alone. Unwanted.