Christmas

It's Christmas. You know that time that's supposed to be family time.  It's the middle of the night and it just reminds me of the sad demise of my family and most significantly that there is no forgiveness in this world. 

2020 - One really helpful piece of advice was "I'm depressed because I choose to feel depressed" I will let the depressed people of the world know. 

I self evaluate why is it hard for people to like me.  Why is it so hard for me to love. 

Waking up in a house alone. So lonely. So pointless. No energy. 

Decided to go to church at St Johns Cathedral in the city.  A few milestones at St Johns. In gr10 15yo. Got confirmed.  Later mum was ordained here.

Almighty God, 

to whom all hearts are open,

All desires known, 

And from whom no secrets are hidden.....

My use is over. 

I've donated my genes. Provided money,  a roof,  education. 

No longer needed nor wanted.  

I seem to wish for love but can't seem to love. Wish for company. Overshadowed maybe by fear of being dumped again. 

Sunday 4am.

I've been awake for hours. 

Feeling down. 

Why am I what I am. 

Alone. Lonely. 

I go into 2021 knowing I am just there to pay money.